"WHY"

I had two major surgeries last year, both of which could have turned out to be fatal, but I survived. Made me wonder Why I survived?

I loved the thought of death. I felt I was not needed on this planet. I mean I don’t even know how to keep my house perfectly clean, I was not a perfect wife, not a perfect mother, and definitely not a perfect daughter or daughter in law. I felt that if I died the rest of them would be able to take care of my kids and that they’d actually be brought up better than when I’m around. But after these surgeries, when I survived I really had to know why I did.

Almost every day I fought with God, asking Him why He kept me alive just to suffer this way. The second surgery was a near miss. I broke my hand, I was headed straight for the mirror but I fell a few feet away, I still don’t know how I missed the head injury. I don’t remember it till date. I could have hurt my head pretty badly with the impact, but no, it was just my hand.

I lay there waiting for my husband to come home and to help me up cause I knew I would need help with my hand. I don’t know how to describe this but I didn’t cry with the pain I know it hurt but I— as many described to me seemed to be handling it very well even before the Doctor saw me. So as I stood there, with my right arm dangling, literally, someone who supposedly came to help me said, “You’re not crying, it must be a sprain, you are just assuming its a broken hand, don’t talk negatively” to make things worse she went on to say, “if you’re righteous, then your bone wouldn’t be broken”.

Well, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way and ensured that I’m no saint, I wonder how many times we just assume things about others. This person was meant to help me, but her words hurt me more than my arm so much so, I was secretly hoping it would just be a sprain or a dislocation, as I was getting my X-Ray taken, that way my bone is not broken, I would still be a saint in this person’s eyes.

As irrational as this sounds I’m sure many would relate to what went through my head at that time. That fear of being talked bad about or being judged. Especially if having this person in your life means a lot to you, or if their opinion matters.

Many don’t know this about me, I went through a phase of severe depression and battled with suicidal thoughts. I mentally knew what word’s I’d write down on 'the note' and who I’d blame for it and also how I’d do it.

I’m saying this now like I’m very cool about it, like I have won over depression completely, but that is far from the truth. I, like all human beings, do feel down every once in a while and I’m sure you do too. It is a process no one is exempt from and something no one will escape from. I mean mighty men and women of God have all gone through this, a depressive spell. And in this situation, we’re all stuck in, even more so. All of us have our low points in life in some season or another.

As I spoke to my Orthosurgeon, while he was dressing my incision post-surgery, I blurted out that I was undergoing a depressive spell in life. I told him how my previous surgery really changed my perspective of life, and how I was trying to starting to change things in life for the good. This was the first time I actually opened up to a professional about my depression.

Now as I look back I realize how had been depressed for over 9 years. It started in 2010 after something that really shook my life but I didn’t realize it was depression. I was already engaged to be married by then and somehow being around my husband gave me a sort of comfort. My husband, God bless him, was really God sent. He is the most patient man I know and also I've thought to myself “Poor guy, he’s stuck with me for the rest of his life.” (Those who know us well, know exactly what I mean and I don’t judge you if you’ve had the same thought. Funny, I know !!!)

The thing is, I never knew what I was going through, I didn’t know if I could trust people around me, but most of all I didn’t know if those I knew could help me. I didn’t talk to anyone about my problems for the fear of being judged. My husband has a good name in church at work, in the family. My mom adores him and secretly wishes he was her son instead of the rebellious Moi. But these tiny things kept me from asking for help. It only got worse over the years. It almost got to a phase where it felt as though I liked being depressed. I was used to that feeling and anything other that made me feel like less of a person. I didn’t know it. I just didn’t.

Even now I cringe when I think of the times I didn’t behave well or openly reacted to something that I could have shut up about. Sometimes (well most) I really did react like a complete Donkey. (I am using a very decent word here, but you know the word I’d use instead of a donkey).

It’s almost as if people have a different impression of me altogether. All these years I remember thinking how people thought less of me. “I am not that person”, “why won’t they give me a chance?”, "why is everything I say, being misunderstood ?” … these were some of the thoughts that ran through my head.

In all this, I didn’t realize I had a war going on within me and that I had to deal with it. That I had to work on myself and get my cup filled before I start to pour into others' lives. I wish I could go around apologizing to everyone I hurt during this phase, cause I know I said and did a lot to protect myself from getting hurt. I’d cry for everything, the smallest of things overwhelmed me. I wasn’t very efficient in anything I did. I gave up on things easily. I was afraid of people knowing what’s actually running in my head. I was afraid of being rejected.

You may wonder I could have prayed, God would have helped for sure. Yes, of course, but how can you pray for something that you don’t know exists in the first place?

I can’t help but wonder how many are going through something like this.

If it wasn’t for the kindness and the patience of my husband and my in-laws I don’t think I’d have the life I have right now. My husband became my best friend in this process, and I knew God in a whole new different way cause if my husband a human can be patient with me how much is God.

His sovereignty surpasses every aspect of the universe, yet He is patient enough to put people around us who help us grow.

Now I have to intentionally ask myself “WHY AM I DOING THIS?” for anything. Good or bad, there’s got to be a reason for what I’m doing. Yes, I included bad too, cause when we intentionally ask ourselves this question we’d actually stop doing the very things that bring us harm.

God will never bring us harm. That is not His heart. His heart is that His child would return to Him and that His child will realize the purpose of His creation.

Jeremiah 29:11 says that God has plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future.

In Isaiah 42:3, it is written that God will not break a bruised reed, and will not snuff out a smoldering wick.

I know that’s what happened to me. If you are at your breaking point today, do remember that God has you in His mind right now. You only need to ask. If you don’t feel like praying ask someone to pray for you. If you feel like you want to talk to someone and don’t want to approach known people, go to a certified therapist. It’s worth taking that step. I did. I had to go through a bit of therapy to get to where I am right now. No, I’m not a crazy person but I did need someone to decode my life from the outside and tell me “Hey! This is why you’re reacting like this, if you sort ABC out then you’re 123 will go well”. I will be ever grateful to my therapist/life coach. One of the people I really look up to for help and advice.

Like I said in my last post, pray about your everything, even your weakness, even to help with the decision of who sits at your Table of Life.(the people who actually have a say in our life eg. spouse/parent, friend, mentor, mentee, etc).

Intentionally ask yourself “WHY”.

“Why am I doing this?”, for example, exercise... am I doing this just to lose weight or to develop a healthy lifestyle, you know one of this is short-lived and the other is long-lasting.

“Why does this person’s opinion matter to me?”, just to please them or cause they have good knowledge about this and that their decision will make your life better.

“Why should I volunteer for this, or say yes to something ?”, it is cause your are trying to impress them with your skill or cause you know that you are needed there.

Why do you want to feel better?

Why do you feel the way you feel?

Why are you still pursuing something that you know you should have let go of many years ago?”

If you are that someone who’s been struggling with depression and trying to break free you really got to ask yourself "why". As contradicting as that statement seems, if you don’t know your “WHY” there’s no way you will truly come out of it fully and before you know it the same patterns will repeat and the same sins may creep in. Your "why" is the light at the end of the tunnel.

If you want to change your life for good the your “WHY” needs to be strong, to keep your focus steady, and to help you stay on the right track. To keep you going strong, and to keep you from getting sidetracked from your progress, your healing, and your calling. So you won’t crumble and fall when people don’t understand you, or what’s going on inside of you.

So, what is your “WHY”?